The Power of Women.

 With the approaching International Women’s Day project, I have been thinking a lot recently about how innate female strength is.  As Americans, we see it all the time in many forms, most notably in famous females, such as Oprah Winfrey, Aung San Suu Kyi, Condoleeza Rice (even though I disagree with her politics) and the list goes on and on.  But the ones that are most impressive are the women who demonstrate these qualities everyday, but never receive an award, recognition or even a thanks sometimes.  I was raised around strong women- my mother, my grandmother, sisters, aunts, friends, teammates, cousins, teachers, etc.  But looking back on my life, there are so many others that get overlooked.  A single mother who studies at night to earn a degree.  Women who defy the odds and take on jobs that are male-dominated, even though they face sexism.  An immigrant who works two jobs and can’t speak English just to give her kids a better life than she had.

Cambodia is a place, like many developing countries, where females do not have the same opportunities, but their strength shines through.  The top students in my classes are girls- they are the hardest working and moreover the bravest, which speaks to their character, since girls are taught to be “sopheap” which manes gentle.  I see women wake up at the crack of dawn and start cooking their food and load up their carts to lug all over town, in the hopes of making a few bucks for working from sunrise to sunset. 

Two very personal examples are right in my family.  The first is my host aunt.  She is called “ma yay” which means that she is the oldest of the grandmothers (in America we typically only refer to our parents’ parents as grandma and grandpa, but here, grandma and grandpa’s siblings are all considered grandma and grandpa too).  She is very well respected because she is the oldest, but I respect her for so much more.  When I first met her, I noticed that she had a face full of history.  Some people wear their emotions right on their face, but I could tell immediately that she had a tough history.  I soon found out that she lost all 5 of her children and her husband during the Khmer Rouge.  Everyone.  It’s very common (90% of all people over the age of 30 lost an immediate family member) but that doesn’t make it any easier.  Because so many people went through such an awful time, who is there to talk about it with?  Cambodians typically keep their burdens on themselves, much of the reason is because of Buddhist practices and accepting one’s fate as karma.  Regardless, although I don’t know the details of their deaths, losing one’s entire family is simply devastating, very few people can understand.  What gives me so much inspiration is that although she has this weight that, she has defied the odds and lived her own life, which is incredibly difficult as an uneducated woman after the country was torn apart for 4 years by genocide.  Without any infrastructure, her younger brother’s family accepted her into the home and she loved her nieces and nephews as her own.  She always seems to be looking out for me (they live in the center of town and I frequently see them and she always checks up on what I’m doing and where I’m going).  This year she turned 79 and keeps plugging on.  She’s very active, I often see her walking too and from the market.  She lives life to the fullest and has a great sense of humor.  She won’t get any awards for her life, but I will never forget her because when I think that times are tough and can’t get through, I’ll remember her and know that I can.

Ma Yay with my host mom at my host mom's birthday

Ma yay at her 79

The other woman who has shown her strength is my oldest host sister, SoKaeng.  Last week, her son passed away.  He was 7 and severely disabled.  He couldn’t walk or speak and her devotion to him was incredible.  He had the mobility of a baby and needed constant supervision.  She runs a business near the market that funds her daughter’s education.  Li Ching, her daughter, is 16 and lives in Phnom Penh.  I came home from school last week and Hun (my host brother formerly known as Huck, more on that later) told me that Chran was in the hospital.  He passed away that night.  Cambodians typically mourn for 7 days (3 of those days are ceremonies and a funeral), but either because he was so little or because of his disability, we spent the next day at the pagoda.  I couldn’t help but notice the similarities in his funeral and the ones that I had been to.  My host mom, host sister and her husband spent the night at the pagoda with Chran’s body after he passed away, which is what my dad and uncles did after my aunt passed away.  During the ceremony at the pagoda, his little body was dressed in his favorite clothes, blessed with incense and water and put into a casket.  He was buried, as the Chinese do, and the family threw dirt onto his grave.  The procession to the gravesite felt the same as the others that I had been in.  There are differences, but everyone seemed to take comfort in the ceremony.  What stood out to me was how incredibly strong my host sister is.  She was taking care of her nieces and nephews when they cried or needed something.  I’m kind of embarrassed to say this, but she was looking out for me as well, as she always does.  At weddings and parties she always seems to pick up on the fact that I feel weird and will give me food (sometimes the good food is on the opposite side of the table and I can’t really move in my wedding clothes).  I found out later that this was her 4^th child that passed away and only one daughter is alive.  The three other children that I didn’t know all had disabilities and some died very young and some survived a few years.  She always seems to put everyone before herself, which is what a mom always does, but even to people who aren’t her children- me topping that list.  Her strength comes from helping people and making them comfortable, which is what some people see as a weakness.  She has really taught me above being selfless for the sake of others.  I count myself very lucky to be one of those people that she looks out for. 

My host sister and her son

As for the program, planning is coming along very well but the countdown is on.  As I write this, we have 8 days until the program.  We’re solidifying the content of the program this weekend and giving it to our counterpart at the university to be translated.  Then comes the tedious stuff- lunch orders, groups, preparing the group leaders, water, room set up- but those things always seem to come together.  It’s been tough because we all have different obligations so coordination is coming down to the wire now.  But I had an experience that reaffirms exactly why we need to be doing this. 

I believe in signs- whether they are divine or not, I believe that they appear and we have to look out for them or else we will miss them.  Some are blaring, some are subtle.  This one was blaring.  Here’s what happened:

Each volunteer can bring 10 high school girls to our event.  I asked my grade 12 English Club girls to come and told my two grade 10 classes that I would chose 6 girls total (3 from each class) based on an essay contest.  I announced it in class and the boys were all incredibly jealous (this is the first time in their lives where they have to take a back seat).  Knowing my students, I had a feeling about who would submit and who wouldn’t, but there were some surprises.  I was so proud of a few timid ones who clearly had worked up the courage to write AND submit the essays.  It may not seem like a big deal to Americans, but it is a really big step for them.  In total, I got 9 essays from both classes which doesn’t seem like a lot, but there are only 30 kids coming to class these days and very few are girls.  Well, this incident happened yesterday during class.  We were finishing up class but had about 10 minutes before the bell and one girl handed a piece of paper to my co-teacher (my students are all really scared of me because I’m strict and really tall to them). I walked over to take it because I assumed that it was for my essay contest but the problem is that I can’t read Khmer and I told the girls that they could write in Khmer to feel more comfortable, and I would have my English Club girls read and translate them, so they would double as judges.  I put my hand out and he said that he was confused about something and I asked if it was for my essay contest and he said that it wasn’t.  So, then I was embarrassed and sat down.  Remember, there are a lot of things that happen in my classroom that I don’t know about, not do I want to.  Teachers hold private classes, sometimes accept money for tests or bribes and other things that I have no power against and my hands are tied, so it’s better not even to know.  He assigned them an essay a few weeks ago, so I assumed that it was another stupid essay that he assigned.  The girl was saying, “No teacher, don’t” and the other kids, especially the boys, were urging him to read it.  So he starts reading and the girl is MORTIFIED and the students, especially the boys, are laughing and hooting.  Then he reads the line “women are the same as men” and I knew that he lied and that she was submitting it for my project.  I was so angry that I walked over to him, grabbed it out of his hands and walked out of the room, saying that class was over.  I probably looked like the meanest person in the world, but I could not believe that was happening in a classroom.  First, that I would run this program and ask for his help to help the girls of his country and province, and he clearly doesn’t support it. Second, that this girl would work up the courage to write her essay and put herself out there, then for a TEACHER (who should be encouraging education and programs such as this) to humiliate a student like this in front of the other students.  I understand why the students were into it- the boys felt slighted that they weren’t invited (that’s the point, it’s a special day only for girls) and the other girls are girls.  I was a high school girl myself and got caught up in things like that.  But he is in a position of power.  I decided on the spot that this would be the best women’s day event Cambodia, no, the world, has ever seen.  I went home and came up with some really great ideas and also decided that I’m not turning away any of the girls that submitted an essay- the last thing that they need is to put themselves out there only to vet rejected.  I’ll pay the extra money myself.  So, I will be bringing 13 girls, as of now.  If more girls submit, they will be invited too. 

My initial reaction was to not teach the next day and yell at him.  But then I realized that this is reaffirmation that this is what needs to be done.  These are the things that are happening in my own classroom, in front of other people and a foreigner.  What’s happening behind closed doors?  It’s easy to be negative and angry.  It’s harder to turn it positive and take action.  I chose the harder route and went to school this morning and took control of the class and taught my section with a smile on my face and really enjoyed the lesson for the first time in a while (teaching has taken it’s toll on me).  The only exchange between my co-teacher and myself was when I told him to teach the grammar section.  After class, I went back home and did a little more work on the program.

I want to be clear on something though- I don’t hate my co-teacher; I’m not even mad at him.  He’s just a representation of gender problems in the developing world.  He is a product of a flawed system and his mindset is one that is very popular all over the world, even in our country.  I know that I vilified him in this blog, but it’s not him, it’s just his backward ideas about gender. How many Americans feel superior to people from other countries?  I know because he has tried to make me feel inferior a few times, but I haven’t let it bother me.  But Cambodian girls are raised in it, I wasn’t.  I hope to do my part in reversing that, because it’s clear that there is a pressing need for it. 

In family news- my host sister is engaged.  I came home yesterday and she was engaged.  She wasn’t when I left for school, but her fiancé came over and they had a short ceremony.  They went to the fortune teller and the date has been set- April 9.  Which could potentially be the hottest day of the year.  April is the hottest month and weddings are so miserable then.  It’s miserable to do just about anything- leave the house, do laundry.  Classes aren’t in session because it’s too hot to teach and learn.  People shower 4 times a day at least then and then immediately start sweating again.  No one is ever dry in April.  Because of this, most volunteers leave Cambodia.  So those two tables that my family was hoping to fill with my volunteer buddies will be sadly vacant; everyone will be in another country, except for me, sweating bullets in a Khmer dress with make-up caked on.  It should be fun though. 

My host brother went to the fortune teller (he goes two times a day to get traditional medical practices for his arthritis) and she told him that he may have more power if he changes his name.  And she suggested changing his name from Huck, the nickname his father gave him after the Chinese word for a small mountain, to Hun, after the Prime Minister, Hun Sen.  It was confusing at first and everyone kept slipping up and calling him Huck, especially the little kids.  But now everyone has made the change, but I feel weird because his new name is the same as the American pet name, hon (short for honey).  So I feel like a creep every time I come home and greet my host brother as “Hi Hun, how are you?” almost like we are a married couple.  They have no idea, but I am getting used to it.  I know that when I am married, Hun will NOT be a pet name used in the relationship. 

Hope all is well back home.  We are quickly approaching the “4 months until I come home” mark, which is exciting.  March is choc-full of programs and teaching.  But after my sister gets married, there will be very little happening besides trying to find scholarships for my grade 12 students.