"Mein scacroap diet Bong Kealan?"

This is my last post as a 22-year old. With the new age (since it didn’t really feel like a new year, I will use my birthday as a new start…) I have grown to be very patient here, but there is always room for improvement. My number one goal is to be a better teacher, however. My private classes and English Club come very naturally, but working within the confines of a ministry developed book poses its problems. Honestly, as a teacher, I have never learned more in my life.

I cannot emphasize enough how much of an emotional rollercoaster it is to do Peace Corps. The problem is that it doesn’t bad days happen that frequently (probably once a month or less) but when things come crashing down, look out, it’s not pretty. It literally comes out of nowhere. Today, for example, was an ordinary day, then all of a sudden, I was walking home in a sampot, having just reamed out my 11B class contemplating if I am even doing anything here. The ish really hit the fan this morning in my 10Q class when ONE student turned in her homework. Yes, 1 out of 67. I was so upset not at the kids who never do anything, but the kids who I know are really into learning English. There are about 10 kids in that class that are really promising not because of their skills, but rather their determination and perseverance. I said my piece to them about the need to due their homework and felt better about it. They probably didn’t understand because I was speaking fast, but those who did are the ones that I was really talking to- the ones who are the heads of the class and have a chance to do something with English. During training, we were told that scolding the students doesn’t work because they aren’t used to that, but to that I say, they aren’t used to anything that I do. Talking wasn’t working, so raising my voice a little let them know that I was upset. I wasn’t upset about the lack of attendance or the amount of kids that come late, I was upset about their lack of effort, and they knew how wrong they were.

11B was just a bad class to start out with. Teaching on Wednesdays from 2-4 is just recipe for disaster. The building is always really busy and the classroom is close to the roundabout, so the cards are always stacked against getting anything done in this class. They are really bright but they LOVE to talk. That wouldn’t be a problem (it would be totally welcome, as a matter of fact) but they refuse to speak English when I ask them to, and instead they have a bunch of side conversations. No one was really paying attention, so I threw my book down on the ground to get their attention. I tried sushing but that wasn’t working. Those of you who know me best know that throwing things is my favorite way to release anger. It worked, but after the break, they were doubled in noise level and when I walked around to check on their work, there were 3 students actually working on the classwork and the other 60 students were on their phones, doing other work or just talking in Khmer about other things. I am embarrassed to say this, but I totally lost it. I wasn’t yelling by any means, but I pulled out all the stops of a typical teacher rant. I told them that coming to class simply isn’t enough. They have to work for it. If you don’t want to learn, you don’t have to be here. American teachers say that all the time, but this is so true in Cambodia. If you skip class at OPRFHS, the attendance office calls home and you are in trouble, unless you answer the phone yourself. Nothing like this exists here (much like every other country in the world…) I am not proud of how I said what I said, but I was glad that I said it, I think that they needed to hear it.

I asked them if they wanted to continue the lesson or just cut their losses and head home. They wanted to stay and we finished the lesson, but there was tension, awkward is probably the best word for it. I apologized that the end of the lesson, but the students said that they were sorry for not working. I explained to them just how frustrating it is because I want them to learn English so bad (clearly, I left America for it) and when the students just sit there and don’t work with the teachers, it’s is really frustrating.

I left the class pretty embarrassed that I came at them like that, but I felt a little better. Until I realized that I locked my keys in my room, for the second time that I have lived here in Battambang. So, I started the 1.5k trek back to my house in a sampot thinking about what just happened. Maura, I have that really weird cramp thing in my foot that I had in Italy again, so walking wasn’t fun. I was supposed to get my bike and go to the post office to get a package for my friend and meet her at the bus stop while her bus stopped in the BB, but that clearly wasn’t happening. I felt a little better walking, but I was still upset. Here I thought that I was making some strides, then I have a day like today. I realized that my anger should be directed at myself. It is my job as teacher to teach the students. I need to make learning English as appealing and fun as possible. So, I got my wallet/keys and turned around and made the 1.5k trek back. Usually people make no notice of me here, but for some reason, there were a lot of people taking interest and when you are in a bad mood, it’s not fun to have an audience. When I got back to school, I ran into a girl from my 11B class, the class that I just let have it. She apologized again for the class and said that she doesn’t know why her class gets like that, but she knows how I feel. While we were talking, this boy David (that is his birth name) rode up on his moto and we got to talking. His English is unbelievable, but when he comes to class, he just sits in the back and sometimes participates. His dad is French and his mom is Khmer, but they are divorced, so he spends a lot of time in France. He told me the first time I talked to him that we are alike because we are both not Khmer. He is a really great kid and he always comes to class, but never really says anything. I asked him today why he doesn’t do anything during class and he said that he doesn’t want everyone to rely on him. I pointed out that I could really use his help to inspire the class to speak more and that way he can be useful in class instead of just chilling in the back. We were talking about how little the class talks when David said, “Cher, you don’t understand. Before you came, my class NEVER spoke, now they speak a little.” He probably didn’t know how much that meant to me because during that whole walk back and worth, I was thinking about how little of an impact I have made. It gave me some reassurance. The three of us got to talking about how we can improve the class. I tried doing groups in my 11C and 11D classes, but it never really took off, so I decided not the try it with 11B. David suggested that we should try it, but he offered to help. “Cher, I can help you to make the groups. I know my classmates. We will put the weaker students with the stronger students to help.” When I told him that I wasn’t sure because my other classes had no idea what I meant by group work, he said “Don’t worry, I will help.” It made me feel so much better because at the tail end of my walk, I remembered what I have always thought about these situations, that I cannot control other people, I will never be able to. What I can control is how I teach, and that is what I need to change and make better. These two students offering to help with the class understanding the vision was simply remarkable. This kid David has literally nothing to gain by helping me out with the groups, but he is doing it anyway. So, starting next week, we will be working in groups. We will probably have group competitions and it will be really fun.

After David left, I continued to talk to the girl, Chakriya, for another half hour. We began by talking about her class and it got way more personal and we were talking about her problems with her friends. She is a ball of fire and is really assertive. She is always happy and is a really reliable friend. She was telling me how important her studies are, but she thinks that it is also really important to be happy and have friendships. “You never know when you are going to die, so you shouldn’t waste time being mad or sad.” She is totally right. She works hard but also plays hard. She really impressed me with her maturity because girls are girls wherever you go, so those pesky, little fights happen everywhere. It was perfect timing to have this talk because Keiko, Darlene and another volunteer, Lisa, are in the preliminary stages of setting up Camp GLOW, which stands for girls leading our world. Our vision is to have girls from Keiko’s province (Kampong Chhnang) and Lisa’s province (Beantay Meanchay) come to Battambang for a weekend camp for girls’ empowerment. We will have guest speakers, self-confidence seminars and the like with all of the girls. We are in the very early stage, which is observation. We are trying to find a handful of girls from our schools that really show the qualities of a leader. Chakriya really embodied everything we are looking for and I was really happy after this talk. We are all really excited about this camp, but it will talk a really long time to plan and there are a lot of aspects that need to be sorted out. We will do it probably in Septemberish. Tonight, after dinner, I got a text forward from Charkriya. The text forwards are really cute. Sometimes it is a poem, sometimes a picture made of symbols like *, ~, ], { etc. This particular one was a forward. I really enjoy getting these texts because they always add a personal note on the end. The text was about being happy and how important it is to smile (how totally appropriate) and at the end, she said thanks for talking to me today. Although sometimes the students are the toughest part of this job, they always prove to be the best part as well.

It’s simply crazy how quickly things can turn sour. For those reading this, you probably think that I was upset about something so miniscule and I probably was, but Peace Corps is all-encompassing, so when something heads south, it really involves all facets of your life. But just as important is how quickly things turn back around. Here I was throwing a pity part in National Road #5, complaining about something so ridiculous, and these two kids completely turned around my state of mind. They have no idea that they did this, but they really found the positivity that I needed to reverse my thinking and now I have two potential projects to improve the youth of Cambodia. One of the most important things to remember is that we are trying to help Cambodians help themselves. I will not change the system, but I hope to change the student that will one day.

In other news, my schedule is insanely busy. I started my English Club this week. We had the tests on Saturday and I was kinda put off by how few students showed up, but the concept is totally new and probably really confusing for them. I gave the test to about 60 12th graders and of those students, I chose 13 students. There were plenty of kids who cheated, and I marked their papers and refused to grade them even. For 11th grade, only 8 kids came and the same was true for 10th grade. Not a coincidence, the kids who came were all from my classes. At first, I felt embarrassed that not that many kids came out, then I realized that these are kids who I teach 4 hours a week and they want more time. It was really touching when I got over the initial shock of not having a lot of kids. I set up this club to study with kids who are serious about studying. It’s more important to have the kids who have the dedication as opposed to the kids who are the best at English but don’t give a hoot about the club. We met for the first time Tuesday and it was a success. We all introduced ourselves and went over why there is a club. There were some ground rules- come prepared and ready to study hard, listen to each other, don’t laugh at each other for mistakes, no Khmer and most importantly, don’t be shy. There are some kids who are really coming out of their shells and it is a total pleasure to see. I have a wide range of students in the club, from 12B to 10Q, but I did this on purpose. I want the 10th graders to study with the 12th graders because it will really help improve their level. The 10th graders are so cute and were really excited just to be there. The only problem is scheduling. That is a really common theme here, especially in the schools. The students hardly have free time because all of them have regular class, private class or work. What we ended up coming up with is 5 meeting times per week- one for each grade separate, 10th grade and 11th grade then we will meet all together once a week. The only time that we could all get together is on Saturday night. I don’t really want to “work” on the weekends, but this is really important too, and I want them to all come together at least once. I also want to instill really early on the importance of the students running the club, so the weekends that I am not there, hopefully they meet and get some work done. Saturday night for me is like any other night (I know hard to believe that my college days are over…) so it won’t be a big deal when I am around to give up my Saturday evening, because we all know I’m not doing anything anyway…

I will start working with the English Club at the UME (University of Management and Economics) on Monday. The way that the club is set up works perfectly for me- it is student run and the group consists of ten small groups and they have a theme for the week (AIDS, environment, etc) and they read about the topic then make a PowerPoint presentation in front of the club. I will be meeting with each group once a month and I will have 2 open hours in the American Corner, which is funded fully by the US Embassy and has a library, computers, essentially the resources that are really rare at any other school. When I met with the man who runs the English Club, I originally planned on meeting two or three groups per week then having one open hour to anyone who wanted help, but after some twisting of my arm, I agreed to two hours on Friday, one hour for open correction or question and answers and one hour of a public related speaking skill (for example, week one will be Do’s and Don’ts of making a speech and using PowerPoint.) Between my regular teaching hours (16 per week), English Club (about 10 hours per week) and the UME English Club (another 4 or 5 hours per week), I have a really full schedule and I for sure have my work cut out for me. But, I didn’t come here to have a two year vacation; I came here to do some work. I am happiest when I’m really busy and thoroughly enjoying what I’m doing. Besides today’s actions, I have been really happy and things have been going well. Those moments will happen, it simply comes with the territory. When you are really emotionally invested in something such as this, it tends to have a greater effect when things come up.

As for my family life, I have created a monster in Chun Lai. I gave him Jolly Ranchers and he is addicted. Every time I come out of my room, he is standing there and he says “Mein sca-cro-op diet?” which means “Do you have anymore candy?” We ate the last of the candy tonight, so we will most likely go back to regular. He is still as cute as ever and has been making many comments such as “Chun Lai doy-ka bong Kealan” which means “Chun Lai is the same as Kealan”. He usually says these things when we are “journaling, eating or playing. Chun Liap is equally as cute and she is growing so fast. She is ready to walk and has taken a few steps already. They are really fun to be around and though sometimes it is difficult to live with too children, our relationships are really growing. Even the other day, Chun Lai came into my room early in the morning and crawled under my mosquito and into my bed. He just wanted to play, but I told him that I needed to shower, go back outside and wait. But there was a cockroach on the ground, so he said “Kinyom klight!” and I told him not to be afraid, I will be out there soon.
One more note about teaching here: everyone is really worried about the semester exam, which comes out of the “English for Cambodia” book, which is not the best. It is difficult to strike a balance to cover what will be on the test but also making it fun. I will figure it out though, that’s what this whole thing is about. Mistakes will be made. It’s actually a bad sign, I think, if I am not making mistakes because that means that I am not taking any chances. This is pretty unchartered territory and it’s important to remember that mistakes usually bring progress and growth. You just figure it out as you go and it all seems to work out, somehow.